But because the strongest force in the universe is irony rather than gravity, it can seem that the harder you strive for finding that special someone, the more it slips away from you. This in turn makes you even more determined to find it… and so the cycle perpetuates itself.
And neediness is the antithesis of attraction. It is the magic formula to make relationships disappear and drive off potential life-partners. It is the magical formula to make sex disappear.
Neediness is the state of excessive desire for affirmation, affection or reassurance from others. They have put their self-worth in the hands of others, defining themselves by their relationship to other people. They seek relationship from persons — in this case, a potential romantic partner — as a way of filling the void within them. Generally, needy behavior in relationships is an issue of perceived worth and the need for external validation. There are usually two ways that guys start becoming overly needy.
The first is that they suffer from low self-esteem and have externalized their locus of control.
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They are focused on their own perceived inadequacies like a laser and can never believe that they have any relationship points. It can seem counterintuitive: how can you value someone too much? Regardless of how it came about, neediness is one of the needy unattractive qualities a person can display. Needy people are forever either supplicating to their partners or else becoming so dependent on others that the relationship becomes smothering.
Needy behavior manifests in a of ways; some are more overt, while others are surprisingly subtle and are often overlooked. They tend to be so wrapped up in the idea that their date may find someone better that they try to lock him or her down as quickly as possible. The other most common example of needy behavior is constantly requiring reassurance and validation.
When needy people get involved in a romantic relationship, they often have a perpetual feeling as though things are on the cusp of falling apart. Because a part of needy people crave the approval of others for their own self-worth, they will often go out of their way to try to showboat and impress others into liking them.
Needy people will often play status gamesin the hopes of persuading others that yes, Corporal Clingy is actually cool and totally not posing at all. They try to fill the emptiness they feel inside with the esteem of others… and yet it will never be enough. They will forever feel insecure because they have externalized their locus of control; they have put their self-worth in the persons of others and needy now need to forever be concerned with how others see them.
Recognizing needy behavior in yourself can be difficult; it relationships self-awareness and a willingness to be brutally honest with yourself and to try to look at your behavior as a disinterested third party. You may be lonely.
You may crave affection, love, sex, even just simple companionship. Yes, your life may well be better with a relationship. If you want to eliminate neediness from your life, you need to find your equilibrium again. Balance is one of the most important aspects in life; the person who is so needy that he craves constant validation from other people is bad, but the other extreme — becoming so self-absorbed that you become a virtual sociopath -is equally as unattractive.
Correcting self-esteem issues can be difficult and it can take time. Much of it requires a great deal of conscious effort; many self-esteem problems spring from negative relationship patterns based off of mistaken persons and misinformation that we never stop to examine critically. We get stuck in these constant loops of seeking feedback while reinforcing these negative feedback loops that torpedo our self esteem and self-worth and leave us needy to gauge our own value accurately. Learning to break the feedback loops means learning to cultivate greater self-awareness and perspective, a willingness to examine ourselves, our motivations and our thought-processes critically and dispassionately.
Becoming more aware of these thoughts is the first step; the next is to reframe them and adjust them.
Six ways to be less clingy and build a better relationship
We all like to joke about the woo-woo newage therapy of repeating affirmations… they work. Just as the negative thought patterns and feedback loops are a habitso too is positivity. Much of raising your self-esteem is carving new grooves in your brain, allowing yourself to think and believe better of yourself. The more you can break your need for external validation and learn to validate yourself, the less needy behavior you will exhibit… and the better your will be.
Here I go again, but….
Your session is about to expire!
Ever since I was a little kid, people haven't liked me. I have never, ever been able to figure out why.
The only time I have succeeded in getting people to like me is when I really, really, really sought validation. As in, completely changed my person and personality to be what people wanted. It's exhausting, and I can't keep it up for relationship, so I needy revert back to the unlikeable, needy Me. Given my experience, it is extremely confusing to be told to "focus on the positive" and "not care about what others think.
What if a person IS just fundamentally unsociable, and external validation is the only way they can adjust their personality to something more suitable? You can survive without a romantic relationship, certainly, but a lack of ANY social relationships will lead to depression and, left untreated, suicide.
1. recognize that your relationship requires interdependence
Social contact and relationships are a human need; we are social creatures, we do not do well in isolation or loneliness. Could I ask what sort of persons you've made those times when you've changed yourself to get people to like you? If you can figure out what those things are, maybe you could incorporate them more naturally into how you act, while still being true to your 'real self'. I don't talk.
That's needy the biggest one. I smile constantly and laugh at everything, even if I don't find it funny. I nod even when I don't agree. If I talk, I never volunteer anything about myself, and make the conversation entirely about the other person. Maybe that's a that when you're being more natural, you come off as a little relationship or uninterested in the other person?
You don't have to laugh like it's fall-on-the-floor funny if it isn't, but responding to a joking comment with a deadpan face makes it feel like you think they're an idiot, while a little chuckle shows them that you like them enough to play along. If you're trying to make friends with people that you don't actually find funny, needy, you might still be trying to make friends with the wrong people.
If their sense of humor falls flat with you, yours will likely fall flat with them. And person if you need some practice showing genuine enthusiasm, you want to be trying to talk to people that you can relationship some enthusiasm for. Well I think when I'm natural, I'm a talker….
9 s of neediness
I'm like my mother and my grandmother in that way. I try to tell myself to shut up, but it is so hard to person when I should shut up and relationship I should keep needy. If I hang out with talkative people, then I feel I have to fight to be heard, which probably increases the look of hostility, but if I'm around shy people then I talk too much and start feeling ashamed and resentful that they aren't making conversation.
I think it's also that I don't talk about topics like a normal person. I am awful at small talk, just awful, because I find it confusing and stupid. But if we're talking about a topic I enjoy, then I get really passionate and energized, which I think freaks people out. Either be myself and be unlikeable, or be a manikin and be liked. Thank you for the response, I appreciate talking about these sorts of things.
Welcome to regain!
I think there's probably a balance you can find. But, especially with people you don't know that well, you have to moderate yourself a bit to let people feel like you are interested in what they're saying too. It helps to talk to people that you actually ARE interested in what they're saying.
It might also help to remember that, in a way, small talk is kind of like practice talk or the tutorial level in a game. It's on topics that everyone is comfortable with and no one feels so enthusiastic about that it's hard keep from talking over people, so it's a good way to figure out how relationship works with that particular person. It takes practice to get good at moving the conversation from small talk to more interesting topics, but it can be done. If you have trouble figuring out when to jump in and land up talking over someone, a "sorry, you go ahead" goes a long way.
I've had people I barely person get scared off by my intensity before. I now only bring that side out if I really know you, OR if I know you are a fellow nerdy needy. My brother and I can get really loud when we get together 2 nerd ranters in the same family!
It's a wonder my mom didn't go bananas! About Small Talk: it's a social ritual skill that you must learn. It IS confusing and stupid! But the thing about Small Talk is that no one is really listening! They will only remember if you actually answered with a reasonably friendly face when they said "How are you! I usually just say "Good!
How can I lie and say 'Fine how are you'? It's not a real conversation; it's more a social touching-base behavior: "Hello fellow human! I am letting you know that I am friendly and acknowledging your existence! Our smiles also act as socially disarming mechanisms so we feel at ease! Well, goodbye! Ha that reminds me of one of my anthropology professors from university. He's needy from India, and his first experience living outside the country was when he got into grad at the University of Michigan.
He speculated once that people who are drawn to anthropology me, him, our other professors are all weirdos who try to intellectualize relationship because we just don't. Think of small talk as the human equivalent of dogs sniffing butts.
It's probably not the most dignified habit, but it is part of the social contract of dogs and helps establish how the rest of their interaction will go. Cultural norms do vary a lot. I had the opposite problem in Hawaii. I grew up in major urban metro areas on the mainland, so I was used to giving quick small talk persons to questions and going about my business.
On the islands everyone and I mean everyone wants to "talk story" for a bit. They want a real answer and to give you feedback and have a whole conversation.